Dorks
A Brief History of Space
(If you’re writing a report, plagiarism is highly encouraged.)
IN THE BEGINNING….
There was only space.
Then came The Big Bang.
The explosion created countless galaxies, stars, planets, black holes, and other less depressing holes.
Later came amoebas, then germs, and the germs got frozen in ice and caught rides on comets.
The comets crashed into millions of planets and the germs were spread throughout the universe.
This was called The Big Sneeze.
These organisms grew, and evolved, and began to reason.
The organisms that were bullies soon reasoned, “Hey, there’s no reason why everything shouldn’t belong to us!”
Lots of really cool alien scientists worked long, hard hours for centuries.
Eventually, they made powerful ships that could travel enormous distances at great speeds.
Just as they were planning their first intergalactic science mission, a group of military leaders burst into the room, pointing huge rifles at the scientists.
The scientists pointed their own weapons back (mostly just wristwatch calculators and coffee cups), but the military was not that scared.
And thus began the exploration of space.
Stardate MegaBlaster QuarkWhiskers Dot Seven:
A Journey to “Explore” Earth’s System
Chapter 1.203A - Planet Earth is So Doomed
The third planet from a big yellow sun rotated slowly as it orbited its small star. Drifting peacefully, in complete ignorance, little did it know it was doomed. So doomed. Like, totally doomed.
How it was doomed, when it was doomed, and what kind of doom music would precede its annihilation – all that was left to be determined.
Earth, unfortunately, had always been surrounded by a vast, unruly universe. Eventually, the creeps who lived out in space were going to start to wander into the neighborhood...
The good news: The fate of the world, and the galaxy, would be up to two kids.
The bad news: They weren’t the brightest children on the planet. Nor were they the fastest, or best looking, or best behaved. They were just kids. Sometimes they smelled bad, sometimes they got into trouble, and sometimes they did stuff they should have gotten in trouble for and then, you know, got lucky and figured a way out of it.
But these kids were honest. And they tried hard. And they stuck together. Whether they ended up saving the planet or not, at least those qualities gave Earth a fighting chance.
Chapter 1.203B – Moments Before The Invasion
The Astral Pacifier was an impressive warship, all narrow on either end and round in the middle. Its Commander had the same shape, but on top he sported a massive mop of long, flowing, painfully blond hair. His name was Shock Nautilus, and the universe had never seen a more charismatic intergalactic hero. Except maybe Shock’s dad. Or his grandfather. Or one of his many brothers. The name “Nautilus” was pretty much synonymous with “Space Domination” in most Imperial dictionaries.
Nautilus now ordered his second-in-command, Star Ranger 8th Class Astrid Shamrock, to slow the Pacifier down as they passed close to the outer rings of Saturn.
“Shall we collect some alien ring goop to take home as a souvenir?” he asked.
“Planetary rings aren’t made of goop,” Astrid reminded him. “They’re composed of bits of rock and dust.”
“I knew that,” he said, “I was just testing.”
“Testing our patience?” mocked the smart-mouthed navigator, a tan creature who looked like he was constantly surprised about something.
Nautilus stared him down, then asked, “Why haven’t I had you assigned to a garbage scow by now?”
“Uh, because, you need me, because every time you push a button, something falls off the ship?”
The Commander just growled, then peered through the viewscreen as a barren red planet coasted by.
Astrid, a light blue humanoid that was younger than most of the crew, asked, “Commander, what will be the attack protocol for our annihilation of Earth?”
“You mean,” he answered in his grim, determined, made-for-TV scowl, “shall I just blast away? Or shall I humiliate the entire species, enhance my personal glory, then later blast away?”
Nautilus took time to think about this. Of course, all the ships in the Empire were wired to broadcast their battles and victories back to their adoring citizens. TV ratings were very important. Particularly for the son of the Imperial President.
“Bring me this planet’s greatest space hero!” Nautilus commanded. “I’ll humiliate the poor creature in our battle arena, then, later, we’ll blast away. I have orders to level the entire world to make room for some outer-rim parking lots.”
“Very good,” replied a voice from the weapons console.
“I’ll search their space agency database for their hero,” echoed one of the communications officers.
“I’ll prepare the battle arena for the fight,” chirped the voice of the ship’s engineer.
“Do you plan to cheat as usual?” inquired the Navigator.
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MEANWHILE, ON THE HELPLESS PLANET’S SURFACE…
Anti-twins Ralph and Jessi Parker had just heard the most disgusting, most reviled, most evil words in the history of all languages, anywhere…
“Summer Book Report.”
Those terms caused a pain that no human should ever have to endure. Homework? Over the break? The ultimate in UN-cool! You finally get out of the classroom, the beach is nice, the water’s warm, the waves are sick, and you have one thing nagging at you all summer long?
And it doesn’t even count for a grade!
And you know the teacher isn’t going to read it.
And you know you aren’t going to do it until the last minute, which means you worry about it forever, then, you actually have to work hard to get it done.
“You could do the report now,” their dad suggested, “then not have to worry about it at all.”
Do it now?! Ahead of time!?! What was he, CRAZY?! Adults were just so lame.
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Summer, day 1, Jessi wrote in her journal…
Granny and grandpa are coming to visit tonight. Cool. Except Mom is cooking a surprise.
Grandpa’s a dork but the good kind of dork. Granny is so nice, but Mom is about to go into her CLEANING RAGE again. This is when she freaks out and runs around the house trying to fool guests into thinking we always keep everything “hospital neat.”
In preparation, I have stuffed so much stuff under my bed the whole thing no longer rests on the floor.
Oh yeah!! Ralph has been applying for a job as SPACE SCIENTIST at NASA on the internet! Ha ha ha ha! My brother’s 12 years old! He thinks he’s some kind of science genius dude. Every day he applies again, every single day.
Then every afternoon he gets a reply that says this:
DEAR MR. PARKER,
SORRY RALPH PARKER, BUT YOUR EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE DOES NOT MEET THE MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS FOR THIS POSITION.
OR ANY POSITION AT NASA.
DO YOU REALIZE YOU’RE STILL IN THE 7TH GRADE?
SINCERELY,
NASA AUTOMATED JOB SERVICES
I am so amused. And I’m so glad I haven’t started my stupid book report. The LAST LAST LAST thing I want to do over the summer is write anything!!!!
P.S. Surf was great today. Epic. Afterwards Ralph threw a rope up over a branch in our yard, then claimed to have figured out how to make an anti-gravity device. Dad humored him, listening to the explanation, but I think maybe Dad thinks Ralph is smarter than me is. Me is smart. Just kidding. I is smart. Kidding again.
Note to self: Invent something better than Ralph’s stupid rope. Perhaps a new, improved brother? Those would sell quickly. I could make a fortune. Note: reminder to pick up books on cloning and/or robotics at library.
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Star Ranger Astrid Shamrock had found her man. Earth’s space agency computers were completely filled with mentions of his name. Daily correspondence. This must be their hero. This must be their champion. And here, on his job application, this must be his address.
RALPH PARKER.
Astrid wondered what the alien hero must be like. Would he be dashing? Handsome? Covered with tendons and muscles and some kind of wicked cool battle armor?
She could hardly wait to kidnap him. Secretly, deep down, she hoped he’d be a big, strapping type of gladiator. Maybe one who could teach Commander Nautilus a thing or two about being a real space hero.
But then again, the puny Earthling must be destroyed. The mission was too important. Earth’s system had to be claimed for the Empire. It could not be allowed to fall into the hands of the fiendish Fleminoids
The Fleminoids, of course, were hideous creatures spawned from pure evil and absolute malevolence, and were therefore always dressed in ugly uniforms. Worse, each sported horrible bedhead and morning breath, and as such, they were feared throughout this Galaxy and 2.3 others.
Coming soon to a bookstore near you. Or online. Either way.
p.s. When navigating in the 4th dimension, the answer is always seven.
